Author: Daft Old Duffer
Daft Old Duffer: Just Thinking
4:17 pm Sunday, 20th November, 2011, Isle of Wight
ShortURL: http://wig.ht/295F
Read More- Opinion Piece, Writers
Daft Old Duffer returns with his weekly column. As ever, he’s got his own view, which may not coincide with those of VB. It’s in his own words. If you choose to contribute (and we think he’d like that), let’s keep this as a work of fiction, excluding any real names – Ed
I know that quite a lot of you are writers – either amateur or professional. So I’m asking for a little help.
I’m thinking of writing a novel, a work of pure fiction. It will be about a young man who develops the ambition to emulate William Hague and his rise from unknown grammar school boy to leader of the Conservative Party. The idea is to use this skeleton upon which to hang an insight into how the Conservative – and for that matter any other party – functions.
So far however, I have no more than the bare bones of a plot. I don’t even know at this stage whether it’s worth pursuing. So your insight will prove invaluable, both to keep me on the right track and to flesh out the story.
Here goes then
Our hero – no name yet – conceives an admiration for William Hague and the way in which he, by impressing Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher with his fiery Conference speech, came to the attention of the Party Lords and, despite being a rank outsider with no family connections and not even a public school education, rose to become, albeit for a short while, leader of the party.
Anything he can do I can do better
The blunt idea in our hero’s mind is that if little Hague can do it, so can he.
Making his way from the small rural community where he was raised to London, he, in some way I’ve yet to devise, inserts himself into the lower fringes of the Party.
He becomes, along with many others, a trainee. Goes along on various missions and attends conferences. Always, of course, as no more than a gofer, an organiser of drinks, morning coffee, replacement pens. He checks that the conference centre loos are suitable for Grandees and that servants know how important the people are they have the privilege of serving.
Possibly a possible
He is in short, an unpaid helper. A minion.
But he is learning the ropes, seeing how things are done. He listens into the talk of the Important Ones, whether drunk or sober, giggly or deadly serious and he gets to read through conference notes and minutes.
He becomes an insider, someone known to be useful, a possible.
So however, are many others. And the day comes when some are weeded out.
Our Hero is one of these. “You’re not quite what we’re looking for,” he is told. “Sorry and all that old chap.”
What next?
Hero is devastated. “But what am I going to do?” he cries.
“Well I’m sure I don’t know old son. Have you considered local politics? Might be more your style sort of thing. Where do you come from – some Island or other wasn’t it? Why not give that a bash?”
“But I don’t know anybody. Haven’t been back for years!”
“That don’t matter old chap. Letter of recommendation signed by one of our old buffers, that’ll sort you out.”
So Hero returns to the land of his father, where the letter of introduction works. It’s magic. Impressed by Who He Knows and obedient as ever, the local Grandees soon find him a safe seat and quite quickly make him Leader.
Where next?
This is as far as I’ve got to date. There seem to be two possible ways forward.
One, Hero makes such a success of his new role that it isn’t long before he moves on to become the local member of Parliament and eventually Leader of the Party. Just as he had always desired.
Or two – and this seems to me the more plausible – he makes such a hash of everything he is finally forced out of politics altogether and ends his days in some position where he is humble and yet, having found his niche, happy.
Perhaps serving behind the counter in a stationers, or booksellers.
Image: Heavenely Cabin under CC BY 2.0
Another great DOD piece. Now, whoever could you be talking about…
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William Hague will bounce back to lead the Torys one day,his rise was too fast now he is in the learning curve and will make a good PM when the time is right, as for your hero he will just bounce
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:) :) :)
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A brilliant piece DOD that could to be developed and expanded into a very funny book. It might even become a best seller on the island if it was published and available in the shops.
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Seems a name is wanted for your character, how about David of Vectis or maybe that’s just a trifle ostentatious.
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D.O.D. I agree, I can see your dilemma.
I would have thought ‘way forward one’ would be the first step…only up to, becoming local M.P. and then ‘way forward two’ would obviously follow.
If he should end up behind a counter then surely he has realised his aim….to serve the public !
Incidently,as little Haig made a fiery conferance speech at an early age, has your Hero made one? (check U Toob for ideas).
Can’t think why you classed him as a Hero, but then I can only guess he thinks this of himself.
You have definitely chosen the best media outlet
to obtain help and many ideas for your project.
I wish you Good Luck!!
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As one DOD to another, I can’t really help out, but this may tickle your fancy. (Or even inspire!) Here’s a couple of links to a very amusing song called ‘The invisible backwards-facing grocer’ by Alasdair Clayre, about a grocer who becomes Prime Minister. It was written long before a grocer became PM, or even a grocer’s daughter.
Song: http://www.myspace.com/alasdairclayre/music/songs/the-invisible-backwards-facing-grocer-who-rose-to-fame-29923019
Words: http://mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=63626#1034900
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I’m sorry DOD. I think it a little far fetched. Why would they make him Leader? He has absolutely no experience. It would be a recipe for disaster. No party would do such a silly thing with a young boy. Not even the Tories.
If you are able to resolve this serious flaw in your story, I believe it must end badly.
Perhaps the naive young Leader could be involved in a multi million pound courtroom drama? On the losing side of course. Then I suggest a serious fall-out with a local MP and his partner? Surviving that ghastly incident, which brings him national notoriety and a comely love interest, he finally lumbers the local populace with an enormous debt, that sadly cripples the local economy for twenty five years, ensuring no-one lives happily ever after?
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Jack…..Ouch! you are giving DOD too many ridiculous ideas.
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How about this for the dénouement of the tale?
At the peak of his career,Our Hero is caught short when out on a political jaunt on the Island and uses a public toilet. The lock jams trapping hm in the loo. Trying to free himself he falls and knocks himself out.
While he is unconscious, a Council official (with peaked cap of course!) arrives to bolt and bar the building to comply with the budget cuts.
Awakening, our Hero’s calls for help are ignored as the public toilets are known to have been discontinued due to council cuts and think it is just kids playing a joke.
He has an idea: he takes out his mobile phone and calls the Fire Service, Unfortunately, as the call centre is now on the mainland, the operator has no idea what part of the Island he is talking about and the fire appliance is repeatedly sent to the wrong place.
In desperation, he dials 999 to be informed that his is not an “emergency” and that he should ring another number. The alternative number goes unanswered because the call centre has been outsourced to Bangalore and all the local police stations are closed, some permanently.
Our Hero gets weaker and weaker over two or three days. Dehydrated, because the Council official has also turned off the water, his cries for help become little more that croaks. Passers-by think they are noisy local rooks. Sadly he expires.
For evermore his ghost haunts that disused public toilet, joining the ranks of well-known IoW ghosts. As time goes on, the story is remembered in a children’s nursery rhyme that goes: “Dinky, dinky do/ famous Tory Blue/ locked in the loo/ but he cannot poo/what a to-do!”
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Cynic you are so worthy of your pseudonym.
I tried four times to read your comment, this was due to tears streaming down my face.
HILARIOUS.
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The Island has always been a place of creativity and innovation, whether literature or engineering. The premise for this proposed book and the wonderfully creative and diverse ideas that follow, proves Islanders have not lost their touch.
Before reading the whole thing and the idea of a work of fiction was mentioned I thought you were going to re-write the Southern Vectis Timetable!
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Perhaps it’s a mistake attempting a contemporary fiction when history is so much more colourful.
The Island, with its history of dodgy deals during the Woodnutt era could surely be the inspiration for a UK version of Boardwalk Empire-lite. We should try to capture the authentically awful 1950s atmosphere of place in the early 1970s. Peter Finch was great as Harry [i]Something to Hide[/i]. We were the costa del crime once, and with out fledgling, street fighting ‘youful’ boss, we can be so again.
[How will it all end?]
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Make your ‘hero’ a tragic hero – one with a fatal flaw. And if he achieves his dreams, he should only do so by paying a hefty price. Good luck.
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Wasn’t D Cameron’s g-grandfather once the IOW MP, ( or was it further past). Surely there could be a link there
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Perhaps you could consider making your hero a Cameron or Hague clone although with a different face due to a cock up in the lab.
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DOD, maybe the traditional faustian pact device could be explored? Perhaps the Mephistopheles character could be a replaced by an aged mentor or the ghostly appearance of Hiram Abiff.
Another twist could see the ‘hero’ become obsessed that his life mirrors that of Sancho Panza. Our hero see himself as the real talent, frustrated by having to facilitate what he see as the fantasies of those he has to serve by virtue of his lowly station & a distinct lack of cash; but he believes, given the opportunity he would ‘show them’. As his obsession slowly drives him insane, he embarks on a series increasingly high risk schemes to cover his tracks (think rogue trader). Until one day he is exposed.
At this point, the ‘men who come to take him away’ are really a snatch squad & a front for a mafia controlled cabal. They rehabilitate & set up the hero as a patsy for their nefarious activities, specifically as a means of extorting money from the public purse, such as the creation of a bogus, giant, carbon neutral island wide theme park – a Brasilia-by-the-sea (think T. Dan Smith)
At this point in to the story steps what people assume is a fool, (think touchstone from as you like it) a recently elected counsellor with chiseled good looks and GSOH who unwittingly busts the caper wide open (story could use a die hard action sequence) as he hasn’t read the bit about staying on message about the theme park.
All the baddies go to jail, the ghost goes into the light, peace & harmony is restored.
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