It was announced today that the owners of the Formula 1 franchise are considering the very real possibility of ruling that all cars entering their competitions from 2012 onward be powered exclusively by electric motor.
“There are three reasons for this,” their spokesman explained. “First is the growing world-wide antagonism towards the pollution caused by the internal combustion engine. Second, California have expressed an interest in financing a Formula One circuit and of course any cars participating there will be subject to that state’s increasingly stringent pollution regulations. And thirdly, we are very conscious of the electric motor’s increasing competitiveness as a prime mover and we wish to be in the forefront of such developments.”
Asked about the current long charging times for such battery powered vehicles and whether that would be a problem, the spokesman replied that on the contrary, it was considered to be a positive.
“Here we have taken a leaf from American Football’s book,” he replied. They have proven very skillful over the years in turning a game that should last rather less than an hour and making it instead stretch for almost an entire day. And they have done this, as we all know, by inserting a block of advertisements between every move of the ball.
Increased advertising opportunities
“Taking on board the improvements projected for the immediate future we anticipate, given existing race speeds, that we will need to allow for three stops each of ten minutes duration in each race. This will provide invaluable advertising slots. One can imagine, for example, the driver exiting his car, stripping off his overalls to reveal smart casual wear, greeting a glamorous girlfriend and then the two of them strolling off for a brand name coffee. With adverts, logos and product mentions all over the place of course. The mechanics too while waiting for the batteries to charge – with branded equipment naturally – could eat take-away food. McDonalds are among the first to express an interest here.”
But won’t viewers get bored? This reporter wanted to know.
This produced, I’m afraid to say, something of a patronising laugh.
“Market research has long revealed to us that our F1 races are watched in the main by two types of fan,” he said. “There is the enthusiast who falls asleep after approximately circuit three and at regular intervals through the programme thereafter.
“The first we can arouse at the appropriate time by some suitable noise signal, such as showing repeat footage of some horrendous crash from the past. And the other is of the type that will watch enthralled just so long as we provide lots of noise and bright lights.
“To sum up we see the proposed changes as a positive enhancement both financially and culturally. Indeed our main worry is that charging time will progressively decrease.We may have to allow for this in the rules.”
